An all too ordinary story, with aftertaste so bitter
Forced to be someone I don't want to be
I'm losing myself... sinking deeper down
I'm caught in the world wound web

---

Today had been a day with some lil weirdness in it. Eventhough it's little but that little is well SPEECHLESS. Im just gonna go through this briefly..

I went to college in the morning just for the sake of obtaining my exam token and to attend the last class of Algebra and Trigonometry to get the exam tips and I really do hope its my LAST CLASS for eternity. Ok, back to the point where Im taking my exam token.. I went to the counter of the admission and records office situated at the 2nd level of the building and gave my Student ID card to the desk human in charge and he told me something which is "I will call your name, have a sit first" and I was stunned for that lil moment as I misheard him saying "Can I call your name Lucifer??". How the fuck he knows stuff like those about me but I told him I can't hear him so he repeat it for me.
I met my friend shortly after obtaining the exam token and I found out that she is doing her presentation for the Offica Application class about ghost images and video clips. Ok, another weird but not scary supernatural-thats-gotta-do-with-lucifer. Ok skip that shit, now is the best part of it..
I was walking home from the Ampang Lrt terminal and a funeral and I repeat a FUNERAL CAR drove slowly past my shoulder which is only like a few inches away.. How wicked can that be man.. I feel so ghastly today but I enjoy it. Horns up THRASH TO THE GRAVE

On the 15th of december, winter solstice..

When hanging upside down the tree with a old time friend of mine Amelia. This is the first time since like 4 years back I guess we hangout. And it turn out pretty good, as usual walk, eat, walk, movie, walk, lrt, bus, walk, run under the rain, etc etc.

We watched 2012. Finally after all the hesitant of watching the movie eventhough I want to watch it badly due to the overdose of movie length up to 2 hours and 45mins, Its like almost 3 hours sittin my butt down in the theatre, I watched it at last and its kinda cool cause the cinema ain't that full and the price is cheaper for so-called older movies. The movie was really good. I like how it builds up the emotion of the audience. So many motifs and awesome mise-en-scene and oh yes every single shot and screen is not a mistake and is fill with subliminal meanings and adrenaline-rush scene. My first time using what I learnt in the Film and Art Appreciation class when talking about movies. Thats fucking kicking asses! I realise I actually learnt something.

Amelia seems so engrossed into the movie, her eyes doesn't seem to blink abit. So focused and I almost thought she sat on "someones" sit and got into a trance due to it or maybe the movie is really hypnotic. I love all the apocalyptic scenes, eventhough it's saddening to see people dying but somehow it feels good too. It's like watching the future of our world being diminished once for all in another 3 years to come. A hedonistic feel to the beautiful sight of utopia. Massive volcano eruptions, very neatly driven line of earthquakes, full on power attack of the tsunami..what more can we ask for. But perhaps if I am the director or script writer of the movie, I will place in zombie apocalypse instead of all this cheesy natural disasters..

Good dawn, Happy Holidays, Merry christmassacre and Happy Full Blown Thrash/Death Fucking Black Metal new year....

What an awkward period to actually have a thought of my blog..yes its somehow dead, really dead..no one really comes here anymore. In fact not anyone. Its very isolated from the real world of despicablelicon out there. This blog here, is a blog did mostly on my own with some help of my friends and you*if there is any human who so happens to hav a bad omen comes across this dark territory* see the banner up there. The kind off gothic paradise lost-like kinda look. Yes, it's done by Hua Min, I don't know if anyone still remembers her but I bet all of u do. Credits to her for d completion of my blog. And also my music is done by her as well as far as I could remember.
SO what am I doing here when it's already in the wastelands of blogs? I am not sure either. Well I was waiting for some Ihsahn songs to be downloaded at this hour because only at this hour the p2p file sharing is really fast, and in the meantime, I wen for a round of wanking, clean up the mess, and come straight back to the face if this screen. And this is really the last time, I am not gonna wank anymore. waste of energy and stamina.wtf.. The urge of reviewing my blog came brushing in and I could see how much shit have been in here *I meant my post* and to be honest to myself, it's fucking shitty to be talking crap, rant and rave, throwin emotions of despair here and there. To the point I realise how much things have changed from that moment till now. It's only like few months back or maybe more..and time seems to crawl yet its actually sprinting like the wind.
I completed my first sem in uni, it when well so far. The only thing to do now is to wait for the result of the finals to be posted up on the e-advantage thing. Today is like the first or second day of the holiday and Im already like fucking bored and static right now. Spacing in the middle of the screen with mouth gagged open by some invincible apple or bananas. FAGbookin was one good lame fucking way to kill unwanted time, its so over rated with all those humans in there and all those annoying notifications except those comment stuff. This is world is bound to doomed..=.=..whatever. FUCK IT

Shaun was using the internet in the middle of the night. He tends to get restless and night, and fortunate for him, he finally got his broadband and uses the internet for lengthy hours when night falls upon the part of his homeland. He joined facebook, a networking communication and connection website. He added a profile without a single picture of the person which is kinda awkward for someone to not even upload a single picture in a profile which is active. The profile displayed that the owner of the profile was a female.
Her name was Cassie. She accepted his request a few minutes after he added her and posted him a comment on his wall. Unbelievable a long comment for such a short time right after she accepted his friend request. A comment of showing gratitude and appreciation for his add. He was overwhelmed by her usage of language, so vintage britainia style, as if she came from the anglo-saxon period. She must be a really smart and folkish kind of girl, thats what he thought about her. He replied her.. And for a moment, theres no reply..Before signed off, a comment came in onto his wall, its from her again.. She said.. 'Sorry for the late reply, I will talk to you soon. Before you sign off now, have a sweet dream =)'.. How does she know he is signing off? This intrigued him for a moment but he was too sleepy to bothered it for awhile.
The next night came, Shaun sign into his windows live messenger, and there she is, she added him. She is quite of an efficient girl. Full of enthusiasm to make friends around. He wonder if she is cute or pretty or anything gorgeous. He still had his standards though, he won't date anyone he knew from the internet. The action somehow represents the society of desperados. She is onlined in his messenger, he click on her email to open the chatbox. He was halfway typing hello when suddenly a huge HELLO came into sight signalling the first word and the start of a chatting session. Another sentence pop out stating 'Haha, Im faster than you, I said hello first'.. Shaun was stoned, how the fuck did she knows he had wanting to say hello to her. He shrugged it off thinking she might have somekind of extreme high tech software installed in her program to know all this scrutinized informations in the web and instant messengers programs. They started chatting and getting to know each other better virtually.
They had been chatting for a couple of weeks and without Shaun realising it, he does enjoy talkin to her and he might have develop a feeling for her and maybe same way as well but he still can't be too naive and neglect the fact that virtual realities aren't the same as total hardcore fucked up reality the world is in now. This is just false fantasies in his mind to kill off his time. One day, he was feeling really emotional and self-contempt plus low self-esteem. He had been having a very bad hair day.. He went online and it seems Cassie too is having a bad hair day as well, he share his feelings with her and told her how he wish she was here with him. She replied 'You don't have to wish cause Im always there with you, in fact by ur side all the time, Im down cause I can't stand seeing you down. I want you to be happy..'..Shaun was like WTF IS SHE SAYING, AT MY SIDE?..what she meant shes always with me. Shaun felt a breeze in his dark room only illuminated by his monitor screen. There she replied again, 'Im always with you, Im in fact now beside you. Holding on to you'.. Shaun felt a slight cold brush on his right hand. His heart race a million times faster than the speed of light, he could pass out any moment now. Yet he still had a little boost of his strength to look to his right, his eyeballed turn follow by his head and a head was beside him on his right, closed to him, half of the faced covered with long thick hair and the other half that shows her eye looking back at him. Her white-shot eyes that had signs of despair and contempt. Shaun knows his fact of futility. He passed out and fall back from his chair..
He wakes up to find himself on the bed of white sheets and blanket. He is in the hospital. He clearly remembered what happen and was really traumatized to even move out of his bed. But he knows he got to do something. He went down from his bed, he almost fell, his leg still felt frailed. He thought to himself he must have passed out for a couple of days without food and water. He went to the desk and ask if he could use the computer for the moment, and lucky for him, the nurse brought him to a mini lounge where there is computer and internet service. He log into facebook, search for Cassie profile, he thought the profile must have been only his imaginary thoughts made up by her and if the profile still exist she must still be around and that only meant 1 thing, she is still with him. But he couldn't careless anymore, if it still is around, he gotta find out what she wants from him. Cassie profile is still accessible. There is nothing out of the blue since the last time he visited her profile. He caught a glimpse at her pictures, and as far as he remembered, the last time he access into this profile there is not a single pictures and there is now an amount of 10000 pictures in Cassie's photo album. He clicked to access her pictures. It seems like the pictures setting were in the era of the 80s or 90s. First few pages it was an ordinary picture of her, she really is beautiful. Her long smooth dark hair matched with her fairly maiden face. There are pictures of her with a handsome guy that might be her fiance, based by the way they took pictures together hand in hand an hugging each other and some displaying her kissing him on his cheek. Shaun browse more and more and to an extend his eyes almost buldged out in horror. There are pictures of her getting raped by not 1 but a group of guys, seem like a gang-rape-banging session. Even the rape was shown so meticulously and disturbing. Then he got to the section where she was tied to a table and was continuously raped while she was being hogtied, and soon another depict a guy bringing in a butcher knife and cut her stomach open while she is wide eyed awake. They took out of some sort of a pre-mature foetus. She was pregnant. They wrapped the foetus in a paper bag and burned int in front of her very eyes. She seem to be in great sadness and anger as she struggle so hard to get her off the table and reached for her burning pre-mature child in the paper bag. Her left hand broke out of the rope that tied her hand and tried to reach for the child, then suddenly another man came and dismembered her left hand with a machete. This seems like pictures depicting of her horrible past life when she was human, its really disturbing and agonising yet the scent of sorrow with grief and sadness fills the vibe. She struggle with her only hand now that is her right hand and successfully broke free as well, she got up and grab the guy holding her burning foetus by the neck and pierce her sharp fingernails into his throat, he dropped the burning foetus onto the table and she grab it as if it weren't hot at all. The other guy came and angered by what she had did to his friend, he slit her throat with the machete while others just stand watch in horror. She fell to the table bleeding and burning to death with her foetus. Her eyes remain intake and opened staring at the foetus..
The next picture then skip the part of her death, and shown a group of cops came into the abandoned building 5 days after the heartless incident. To Shaun's surprise, the cop found the foetus still in its original shape as though not hurt by any blade or flames but the only the ashes of the burned woman whom is Cassie. Shaun goes to the next page and the connection seem to lagged or could it be a problem with facebook? He refreshed countless times, but pictures wouldn't appear. A cold hand tap on his shoulder, he turned around quickly to realise its just a nurse asking if he needs any favour. Shaun said no thank you and smiled to her. He told her he could handle on his own. He went back to facebook. And it shows Cassie main page profile, the pictures are all gone. There are not a single pictures anymore in the her profile. Shaun is confused and tired, he couldn't take this anymore.
The next morning, he was told he is able to be discharge from the hospital. Shaun ask the doctor, who charged him into the hospital. The doctor said,"Its a young woman by the name of Cassie, she claim to be your best friend or something like that, and must I admit she is really beautiful." "How was I when I came here on the first night?"."You seem to be in a fit and also quite hysterical and you had a severe bump on the back of your head and that could explain why you were in that state, it hit the vital arteries there. Then you fell asleep and we thought you were in coma due to the fact you fell asleep for like almost a week as far as I can remember" "Wow, I can't remember that, I guessed you erased some part of my memory while you were fixing my mind, thanks alot anyway. But is there anyone visiting me at the moment?". "HAHA, you seem so unbelievably calm now, as though I had 2 different patient of the same body. Yea, there is, but she only visits you when you were asleep, surprisingly after you were so called revived, she did not visit you very often anymore and the one visits you is only Cassie herself that sent you in, she seems to care for you alot. Must be your girlfriend or something." The thought of girlfriend send chilld down Shaun's spine, he felt a slight nauseas out of a sudden. "Well doc, you meant she does not visits me often means she stills visit me?". A nurse that brought in he's lunch overheard the conversation and told him "Yea, she still visits you but only at night when you were asleep..Thats kinda weird, she use to visits you in the day as well when you were unconscious for almost a week."..Shaun thought to himself. "Alright, thanks for the info, it really helps." Shaun smiled back to both the doctor and the nurse after the lil words of showing his gratitude to them. Shaun decided to spend another night in the hospital since.
That night, Shaun pretended to have a shut eye while waiting for Cassie to come. He waited for a moment, no sign of her. He waited struggling keeping himself wide awake while shutting his eye so he won't fall asleep. He felt he really waited for far too long and no one came, not even a single footsteps accept for the faint sound of footsteps of nurses doing their round outside the ward at the main corridor of the floor. Shaun is fading into his dreams, he is fading into his oblivious stint in his dream. He tried to hang on longer but he can't, she is not coming tonight is what he thought. In his sleep he dreamt of a young lady, a beautiful young lady. She was really closed to him. He could felt the scent of her cold breath. She grab his hand, it felt soft and cold yet it makes his heart felt warmth. Shaun open his eyes out of a sudden and looked to his side. Finally, he saw her. He gripped her hand harder to avoid her from fleeing at the sight of seeing him awake and to proof she had failed in her attempt this time of being incredulous discreet. Shaun toughen up his guts to look straight into her eyes, she was really beautiful this time unlike the time he first saw her in his room. Shaun proving he had guts blurted out "Why are you not showing yourself this time round? I thought you're always so called beside me or with me or whatever isit? And wheres that demented horrendous look of yours?" Shaun can't believe what the fuck he had just said, holy shit he thinks he had awaken the sleeping giant. She smiled back and said "I was afraid I will give you the same medicine like how you were when you got here at first, it was really hurting to see that. I took my risk to show you my true colours at that moment to see if you could accept it but were just like any other humans to my disappointment. You been hanging out too much with humans and watching all sorts of horror movies to scare the wits out of you.". "Oh man, what the hell are you talking, I am human. You speak as though I was not meant to be one, and I hangout with humans, not any ghost or creatures like you which I din't know anything bout it at 1st when i knew you through facebook, I told you were so sincere to tell me evrything about you. You could have just told me you were an entity trying out facebook". "How silly of you, You speak as though you're still gonna talk to me if you know what I really am at that time." "I am talking to you now.." ."oh yea, right..You are talking to me now, even ghost are completely flawless alright despite my so called powers. Have you seen the pictures in facebook? and your hand suppose to have brain freeze now". "OUCH! yea, damn, you should have told me how long I had grab your hand to keep you from running!..yea, that reminds me! I was horribly stricken by what I saw there, Im so sorry, Im really am so sorry of what had happened to you. But I think you do not want to show me the rest cause the page wont open for next pages of pictures right after the cop took your foetus away". "Shaun, cause I think I must let you know that by my own words you are gonna hear it soon.". "Yea! Tell me, Im really fucking curious you know. Man, I think Im gonna know more of your background more than my own family ones, I got no family other than my nanny who adopted me". "Well, now you are going to know everythin about me and you. You know the foetus you just seen in there. If you think its dead, its not. In ironic fact, you are that foetus, Shaun.". "You gotta be kidding me...You're my mum!? Well it would be a total paradise dream to have a hot mum but still..Theres no way that foetus could survive unless it has became inhuman". "you and your fantasies..seriously, lame...When I was on my bridged to my death, I was almost there. That foetus was already burned and dead but it was given life again miraculously when I was looking at you till my death, it seems the last remains of my life was transfered out through my dead eyes which were facing you and it saved your soul from being totally dragged out to hell. You survived in the end and I died, since then, u were not completely human, ur soul is mixed with ones of the dead whom is me. I do not know why you din't felt the difference between you and typical humans, instead you became one". Shaun cried, he had tears crawling down his cheeks from his eyes. His mother had been through so much to keep the final remains of his soul intake within him. And he finally met his mum.. They had a mum-child conversation for the whole night.

It may have been a happy ending after all, but this is only the beginning of the true horrors to come..Which Shaun didn't see it from the very start of his new life..

Hafiz aka Morfiz on the left and Addi Araya on the right. Infinite Terror's drummer and bassist!! They are more than meets the eye of the beholder, they maybe the deathiest, blackiest, thrashiest human I ever met and yet 1 of the nicest group of friends and members I ever met as well. I met hafiz when Im working in Tangs and was hanging out with the earliest metalheads friends I just knew after like a week or so working there at Tangs, and I was introduced to hafiz..Another friend of mine told me about his friend who played drums on a 2 song death metal EP that is left in Tangs,. The drumming was fucking amazing, it incarcerated my mind for the moment cause it sounded alot like those old school death metal band drummings. I found out later its Hafiz that plays the drum in it with his former band. I knew Addi through hafiz, he is part of the Necro Agony band that made the EP I heard and he played rhythm guitars in there, Its been 2 years since he jammed, he was somehow entranced by what we jammed and became mass hypnotized and decided to join us, as our bassist, thats when he started playing bass and in a couple of months,. Its too short for someone to be good at it, but he really managed to be darn good at it, after my 3 month stint in NS is finally over, there I was bombard by his metal thrashin corpse crushing baptized in bassistism of his. FUCK YEAH! I love Infinite Terror! Thrash up butcher destructor!
Heaven studio, a studio in Pandan Indah which is situated damn far at the corner of an isolated shopping mall beside the hospital (which I kinda forgot the name, pantai ampang or sumthn) that held gigs and jamming session which I just found out after all this while.
Some random animation office board which is so fucking massive and cool at the same time. Right beside heaven studio, pandan indah.
Hanif on the left and his nephew on the right. My hangout buddies this days, Hanif a former schoolmate and bandmate of mine which we still keep in touch and as great buddies to crap along and exchanging personal stories with each other, I knew him wen I just got into sri garden at the age of 16. Despite his very youthful age of Yusof, he is cool to crap along as well, an ardent fan of deathcore and metalcore! We went to a gig which is at heaven studio in pandan indah, we walked almost everywhere, and finally when we were giving up hope and hanif started to squat out of tireness and me being blur and annoyed by the fact we can't find any sign of it. He ranted out "Mane studio ni?" then out of the blue as if the divine highlord gave us a sign, we the sound drums which is sum random double bass pedal work, and there we are, my infuriated anger finally cease of after we saw the mini sign board that stated out the studio name. It was hilarious, it was as if in movie where the character is giving up hope and suddenly a sign came out to show tat he is only a step further from his destiny. FUCKING AWESOME!
An outing with Irfan, Mimi, and Hannah who just came back to malaysia for the summer holidays..welcome back hannah..I was expecting her to turn more british than usual, but it seems Hannah will always be Hannah..HAHA..it was nice to follow them into boutiques and hyper high standards accessories shop like prada and gucci which I had never entered b4 in my entire life and that somehow gave me a chance to have the first time. Its kinda awkward being in there, too plain awkward..HAHA..Im never ever gonna be some girls rich boyfriend..no way!
A picture I found in a blog link given by winnie. The blog belongs to a friend of hers which is my camp mate in NS, but I totally forgot about her. I can't even recall eventhough I had great alacrity to remember who is that. The world is way damn small for humans like everyone of us.

My blog is dead, and oblivious to the world. How cool can that be? Theres someone who seems to hate me, there somethings wrong with something around me, theres something not right around me,. And how cool can that be again? Im getting fucking rusty right now.. Decaying through gangrenous process at home and on the realistic world outside,. Having action-packed fun like hell fantasy dreams of never-ever-will-ever-exist land of vikings, fairies, pixies, pagans, elves, kenders, and bla bla bla you name it..
College is still a month from now, gonna fucking end my 3 month stint at home unemployed! The longer staying unemployed the more utterly exaggerating nonsense forming thru the membrane of my brain cells that connects to the mind. And cause major fucking blockage to the flow of my chakra powers to reach moksa..=,=''..Liberty won't come my way! been goin out alot this days rendezvous with old friends of my own and strolling around being hang by the noose of my nothingness and boredom..OH OH! I finally had sisha last friday nite!..Felt so good beb!. at Taman Dagang pulak tu, rm10 je, not bad for the standards of ampang currency. Im updating here is also for the sake of my big friend Aryton who claims this blog is dead.HAHA..BRO, its not dead, its just being hibernated!!

A GALLANT ATTEMPT TO GROWL SCREAM THE WORD "RAPE!!" 10 TIMES IN 1 SECOND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, heres the big deal about something said by a friend of mine that sounds uptight wrong to me and it start to make me feel so fucking weird when Im typing this thing. She said blogging is for attention seekers! Holy Muthafuck! I do it for the purpose of killing my god damn loads of free time now, my blog doesn't have anything personal, dn't really says what I do everyday, and I always speak of random, ok thats it..no more..I aint saying more man!..damn, Im really mortified by those words..neh, whatever!..HAHA!
There's nothing much to say here nor do I had any pictures to post, Infinite Terror is growing on well, just can't wait for it to publish its first EP or demo, and to perform in it's first gig and more and more! I gotta rectify if there's anything not right about it. It must be a success this time. Thrash till burning death! I always have pensive thoughts about myself, what am I going to do, what am I going to achieve. Am I going to be able to do what I want in the future? Time is ticking seconds by seconds in a blink of the third eye, there you go..Its already 30 years in the future and what have i done so far?.Stop being fucking pensive!
To forgive is to suffer, a song by Death, a very meaningful death metal with the most realistic straight to the point about life in this world. "To accept another day we choose, to give away another piece of life,to forgive is to suffer"
"Once or twice is kind, three or four is blind, it is not the end yet a way to begin,the power of words both good and bad." An ambivalent feeling flow right through piercing into the core of my heart to notice the fact that it is that forgiving a soul is increasing your tormented level in life. To accept again the apologies of somebody is to give away another vital piece of your life, you bare the pain and showing fake faces that you are happy and had forgiving him/her, but you are not, the grudges in you evolutionised into great contempt about that someone, you infuriate to the extent of unbearable heights..There, what have you done...Nothing is perfect in this world, humans are mostly sad beings if you look in a way that is more meticulously obfuscate for the naked mind..scrutinized yourself, who are you and what are you?..the inferiority that holds your free soul..that shall give you throes to perdition sooner or later..

Name: Anti-Hero
Age: 17 and half
Email:silent_grudge@hotmail.com

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Death Scream!

Hua Min
Audrey ser
Afiq
Amanda mun
Amanda (rocka)
Bring me the horizon(deathcore band)
Billy Boey
Deniseeeeeee
Daphne
Duncan
Dwayne
DJ
Felicia
Hannah
Haow Bin
Ji Mi
Jia Min
Li Shan
Lester
Lex
May Lyn
Melissa Tan
Mandy
Malcolm
Nick Lim
Ojosan mei ji
Phooi sze
Sachie
Shazzz
Sho
Sg interact club
Steph Heng
Sean Ng
Unais
Suk Hwa
Wai Shin
Weil Zheng
Jiy Ni
Pei Wen
Yong jian
Pei Jian
Tamy
Lynna Loo
Yik Yang
Yee Won
Sabrina chew
Olivia
The Oink Sisters
Tim Lambesis (As I Lay Dying vocalist)
Pui Ling
Joey Moca
Darryl
Rachael Heng
Besi Hitam
Nicole
Depressive Black Metal
Metal site
Metal site 2
Aryton
Kee Yong
Chia Pei
Mei Yan
Amelia Tham
Kawaii Girl Hoshiko..=,=''
Ler YS
Stories metal bands
Michelle (Jiran)
The lil bitches
Alain
Chia Pei
Barry Paganner


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